Most faith and life altering time I have ever been through...

Where do I even begin?

This is going to be a very long winded post with very few pictures, this is my family's journal and I want to remember and write down everything I went through for my own life and our family journal. Feel free to just go past this post if you would like.

Trent and I had been going to a fertility specialist for about 3 months before we finally became pregnant. This baby was VERY much wanted and planned and expensive.

The first signs of problems happened with Dr. Archer (my fertility doctor). We had blood work done and my HCG levels were not doubling every couple days like they should have been. Dr.  Archer asked that I come in for an ultrasound to rule our a tubal ectopic pregnancy and just to see what was going on. Dr. Archer looked and found that the baby was not in my tubes but that there was a sac of fluid near my c section scar so she sent me to Floyd Baptist hospital to have a more

detailed ultrasound. All the while I was having blood drawn every couple days and Trent had left to Russia for school. My dear friend Lindsey went with me to get the ultrasound while my other dear friend watched my kids. The ultrasound tech reported back to Dr. Archer that there was a sac but it was a little odd shaped but it was where is was supposed to be. (It was too early to even see the baby or the heart beat at this point.) After what I thought was confirmation that I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy I told Dr. Archer that I didn't want anymore blood work done and that if I have a miscarriage then I will just let my body do it's thing, but mentally I couldn't take the blood work anymore, it wouldn't change anything and I thought my life isn't in real danger so why put myself through that. I made an appointment with my OB's office for a little earlier than normal just because the pregnancy wasn't textbook perfect. So I waited about 2 weeks to see the OB when we could hear a heart beat and see the baby more clearly. Monday, October 15, 2018 I went in for my OB visit (remember Trent is in Russia) I get called back and they do all the normal stuff, pee in the cup, blood pressure, weight, health history all the stuff. Then I talk to the nurse practitioner and tell her everything that happened with Dr. Archer and she says I need an ultrasound (Which I fully expected).

I go back to the ultrasound room and the tech starts doing her thing and I hear the most beautiful sound in the world to an expecting mom, a loud and strong HEART BEAT! I start crying and saying to the tech "YAY, My baby is strong and ok!" to which she just says "yes" in a very hesitant voice. I immediately know something is wrong and ask her what is wrong and she tells me she can't say anything and needs to go talk to the nurse practitioner. So I'm left in the dark ultrasound room alone for like 15 minutes wondering what the heck is wrong and getting texts from Trent and my Mom asking me how it is going... Then the NP comes in and says weird things like "The pregnancy may be in your c section scar. I don't think this is a viable pregnancy, You might loose your uterus. I've never seen this before I need to talk to Dr Lewis." Then the NP says I need to wait and talk to Dr. Lewis but she was in surgery and I would need to wait. Once again they leave me all alone in the ultrasound room for what felt like eternity... I called Trent and my Mom to let them know something might be wrong. I'm crying and not doing so great when they finally come to check on me and move me to a different room because they needed the ultrasound for other appointments. I wait crying and talking on the phone to Trent, my mom and Suzie. I wait for another hour and I can hear Dr Lewis and all the other OB's right outside my door talking about me and then they call other doctors trying to find one local that had even seen this before. Dr. Lewis finally comes in and I call Suzie so she can be the rational one to ask the questions that need to be asked and to relay the information to my mom. Dr. Lewis then proceeds to tell me that I do indeed have what they call a Cesarean  Scar Ectopic Pregnancy. It is SUPER rare like a less than 1% chance of all ectopic pregnancies (which there is only a 2% chance of having an ectopic pregnancy and I have a less than 1% chance in that small 2% of ectopic pregnancies of having this happen.) None of the Doctors including her had seen this before. She was telling me that I would have to have an abortion and would loose my uterus as well. Thankfully she said she wanted to do more research since she didn't know much, if anything about these types of pregnancies. I wasn't having any pain or bleeding so she wouldn't rush me into surgery right that minute. I left there stuttering and bawling and with instructions for the Dr that if I have ANY bleeding at all or any pain I am to call an ambulance, not drive to the hospital because I could possibly loose my life if I didn't act very fast. I pray and beg Heavenly Father to help me drive home safe and I call my mom and have one of the most heartbreaking calls where I beg her to come and be with me to which she responded with I have airline tickets and I am on the way to the airport! I SO needed my Mom! I am eternally grateful that she was able to get to me so quickly. During this time I realize how badly I need my Heavenly Father and I needed a blessing. I call Dixon Romney and literally stutter out the sentence "I need a blessing, I have to loose my baby and have a hysterectomy." We meet at Laura Faulsticks house because I didn't want my kids to see me like this... Laura just embraced me and let me cry and be scared and be angry, God puts so many angels in our lives and Laura is one of them. I get a blessing and kind of get it together. I'm just going to write this here and then keep it in mind while I am talking about everything during this time. I started stuttering so bad that it took me literally like 30 seconds to get one word out anytime I thought or talked about the baby or my situation. I got home and Lindsey, who had been watching my kids the whole day gave me a giant hug and asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said no because I really wanted to keep it together. I hugged and hugged my kids and did our normal nighttime stuff and put them to bed. Laura had offered to pick up my mom from the airport at like 12:30am and that was amazing! Nicole came over and kept me company until about 11pm when I made her leave and go home to her family. My Mom got to my house about 1am and we talked for a while and then she gave me the most powerful prayer I have ever experienced, the love of a mother is unmatched by anyone other than God. Mothers are powerful and amazing and my Mom is proof of that!  The next week is kind of  a blur of ultrasounds, phone calls,  MRI's and other things. Wednesday night I put my kids down for bed and then I totally and completely LOST it! Like I seriously couldn't get words out! I was thinking MANY MANY things but the biggest two were "What if that is the last time I put my kids to bed ever? Like will my uterus rupture and I die and never get to see them in this life again?" and the other was "What kind of a mother chooses their life over their baby's? I am an awful person for choosing my life over my baby's life!" I received another blessing that night and also my mom talked to my ob's office and offered to have me admitted to the hospital for observation until the surgery is done. After the blessing and an ambien I calmed down and pretended to go to bed. The next day was my MRI and then I had to wait another day to go see the MFM doctors and the GYN/ONC. It was found out that they could save my uterus because the UofL had a robotic surgery and a surgeon that could do it. Friday I first went to the GYN/ONC (gynecologist oncologist) to get his opinion. He looked at the MRI results with me and thought the baby was possibly just really low lying and could be viable. So I left that appointment with some hope. My MFM (Maternal fetal medicine ) appointment was right after that and so we walked over there. There were a few MFM doctors that came in and watched my ultrasound and I got to see my PERFECTLY formed baby and his very strong heartbeat for like 30 minutes. I asked for pictures of my baby and they were so nice there and said yes.

 Then My mom and I go into the consult room and wait for the Doctor. I call Trent in Russia and put him on speaker phone so he can be in on the conversations. I then get the awful news all over again... This baby was for sure in my scar, it wasn't viable and would kill me if I tried to carry the baby and in his opinion, I would be in a hospital right now under observation until the surgery could be preformed. I lost it all over again, it was awful. We left there unsure of when my surgery would be until the MFM doctor talked to the GYN/ONC doctor. I got a call from the surgeons resident and she wanted me scheduled for surgery on sunday. Surgery day came and as I was signing the consents for surgery I knew I was signing away my baby's life. His little heart was still beating strong when I went in for surgery and the first thing I said when coming out of surgery was "I'm so sad." about a billion times and cried a lot. I woke up knowing that it was my signature that had stopped my baby's heart... I'm going to insert here what I wrote on instagram and face book about this whole thing

Where do I even begin… This has been the hardest week in my entire life. Trent and I discovered two weeks after he left to Russia that My pregnancy had implanted in my C-section scar. My official diagnosis was called a ectopic pregnancy in the C-section scar. Just a week ago yesterday we went from being so happy to be having a baby join our family to having to say goodbye. Here, we had been blessed with this perfect little growing baby that wasn’t growing in the right place. This pregnancy was so rare that no one in my OB‘s office had ever seen it, neither had any of the maternal fetal medicine doctors or my surgeon. My OB thought that the only one that could do the surgery would be a gynecologist oncologist. (And she was right) So after a week of meeting with many many doctors having ultrasounds and an MRI they officially said that this pregnancy could not survive where it had implanted. After I saw the MFM doctors on Friday it was determined that it was critical to remove the pregnancy so that I could live. This has been the hardest decision that I have ever had to make in my life. I hope nobody else will ever have to make this decision. My mind, my body and even my soul knew that this baby would not have survived and if I would’ve continued naturally it would have ruptured and most likely would have killed me as well. I have decided that I do not want to be quiet about everything that has happened because maybe, just maybe, with me being open and telling people about what happened to me it might help others. Through all this heaviness that has happened I have found a light and love through Christ that I knew was there my whole life but I’ve never truly experienced until this week.
Going through this and feeling the love and support I have from my ward family and my family in Utah has been amazing! My awesome mom flew out last Monday night to be with me and help me through this time. I needed her here so much! And the fact that so many have asked how Trent is doing with everything that is going on has really blessed my heart and my soul.
It’s amazing how much love I have felt from Christ and how much peace I have felt because of him! I testify that Christ is there for all of us and for all of us to feel His love and His embrace. I am eternally grateful for this gospel and I cherish the knowledge of the plan of salvation. I went in for surgery on Sunday morning and the hardest thing was waking up knowing that my baby’s heart had stopped beating.
This condition is so rare that the surgery needed to be done roboticly and the surgeon said that he doesn’t know how he could’ve even done this through an open surgery. I am at peace with what needed to happen however it doesn’t mean that this has not been very difficult and devastating. This is a life-changing event in my life and my family’s life. Trent and I have both been blessed with our testimonies that have grown by leaps and bounds through this heavy, heavy experience.
I just want to thank everyone who has helped me through prayers, watching my four babies, brought me meals and/or treats, called me or texted me. I know I still have a long road of healing to do and some days will be harder than others but I know that I can get through this with my Savior Jesus Christ! 

I was in the hospital for a couple days and then I got to go home. I am so grateful for everyone in the New Albany Ward and my Mom and everyone else that helped and offered up their prayers for our family at that time. Trent was so far away during all of this but I talked to him everyday and he was there for me emotionally, we had discussed him coming home but I told him to stay and finish his education there. It was hard but we both lived and loved through it.

I am writing this post almost a whole year later and I still am struggling with guilt and grief but am slowing moving forward.